I live in a park, and it’s lovely. It’s a beautiful place, the dogs love it, and we’re the only house out here. This makes us very happy people. It also makes us the sole target of every mosquito that hatches its ugly, snout-laden body out of the swamp. The Cheerleader I Live With and I are getting quite adept at killing mosquitoes now, though, so there is an up-side to this whole situation.

I’m not a fan of bugs, I’ll be honest. However, they certainly do have a right to live their life happily being bugs, you know? Therefore, I try my hardest not to kill bugs. If I find one in the house, I will grab some sort of I-Don’t-Want-To-Touch-You-But-I-Have-To-Move-You type of implement, and place the bug gently outside where it can be happy and safe in the sunshine, eating whatever the hell it is that bugs eat. Well, thankfully they eat other bugs. I’m hoping that if things keep going this way, that bugs will just keep eating each other, and we’ll be left with only one bug. We shall name him Victorious Bug!

Aaaaaaaaaanyway… Spiders freak me out, so I have to get The Cheerleader I Live With to take them out of the house when I find them lurking in corners. Spiders always lurk. Perhaps I’d like them more if they sauntered, or perhaps were somewhat jaunty. But nope, they insist on lurking. Asshole spiders, the lot of them! The only good thing that spiders do, is eat mosquitoes. However, spiders can only eat so many mosquitoes, and when they get full, they let those nose-pokey little bastard mosquitoes fly right on by their webs. Stupid spiders. If they’re not lurking, they’re being lazy fat-asses!

Where the hell was I going with this?

Oh yes, mosquitoes. Mosquitoes have quashed little parts of our happy little life, and I’m not at all happy about that. Therefore, I have made it my mission to seek out any and all mosquitoes, and punch them all in their stupid, little faces. Just pound their ridiculous snouts right in. I’ll try a whole bunch of different punches and then, when I perfect Mosquito Punching, I’ll teach myself to Roundhouse Kick those mosquitoes. I’m going to be a mosquito Chuck Norris. The glorious sounds of the Great Outdoors will be punctuated with the sounds of freshly-kicked mosquitoes!

*Eiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*   ROUNDHOUSE KICK TO THE SNOUT!!   *aaaagh…*

YES!!   *fist pump*  BOO-YAH!!

What am I doing sitting here typing?! I have things to do! I need to make a cape of some sort, sew some type of symbol on the chest area of a unitard, I need to buy boots and an eye-mask, and I totally need to practice standing in that pose where you’re like sorta’ sideways with your hands on your hips, while the wind picks up your cape and flutters it all heroic-looking n’ stuff.

Gotta’ go! The World needs saving!