I just spent a few minutes reading a blog where a man writes about waking up and realizing he is his best friend: a woman.

Who hasn’t thought about what it would be like to wake up as a member of the opposite sex one morning, (although, making that person your close friend really throws the thing sideways, doesn’t it?), and going through those first few moments of realization? I asked The Cheerleader I Live With what he would do if he woke up as a woman and with a straight face he replied, “probably freak the fuck out… then play with my boobs a little bit”.  And then he would get up and go pee.

I have to admit that I sort of sighed and rolled my eyes when he said this, but then I realized it’s really not much different than what I would do. I think having a penis would be so much fun – I mean really, have you seen what guys do with those things?! They flop ’em around and waggle them, pull on them and scrunch them together with their balls before announcing with a proud smile, “Look! It’s a hamburger!” And I’ll be honest, I’d totally smack someone in the face with my wang if I had one. Just because I could. Unfortunately that person would probably be The Cheerleader I Live With, and he’d be too busy playing with his boobs to even notice. (I’m going to have to break  some hearts here and let all the guys know that we really don’t play with our boobs nearly as often as you hope think we do).

I’d call in sick to work. “Yeah… somethings *ahem* ‘come up’… I can’t make it in to work today. I’ve got my…errrr… hands full right now”. Really though, considering my boss is a man, he’d probably be totally cool with it if I told him the truth. “Y’see, I’ve got a cock for the day…”  He’d probably give me some anti-chafing advice and tell me to enjoy the day. He’s so understanding.

I’ve always said that if I did wake up as a man one day, at some point I would go to 7-11 and buy a couple of those massive Big Gulp-type beverages, and drink them both in one go. Then I would go on a loooong road trip just so that I could pull the car over and pee on the side of the road whenever I damn well wanted to. No more teeth-floating, bladder-testing, ‘I’m sure there’s a rest stop soon’, car seat-dancing for me!

But then I’d probably go home again and try sticking my penis in various foodstuffs. I’d probably try to have sex with a woman, but finding one who would do it would probably be difficult. I have no idea how to hit on a woman solely for sex. I’m pretty sure I’d end up with a long-term girlfriend who would be sorely disappointed in me 24 hours later. And it’s not like I could ask my friends to hook up with me! That’s be super weird, dude. I’d just have to find myself a bakery or something…

I’d certainly feel sorry for the poor person who woke up with that penis the next morning.

Being a woman is actually quite lovely. We’re all pretty and feminine and tucked-in. I mean, I really like the dangly bits that men have, but there’s just something inherently womanly about the fact that even our body parts are neatly organized and put away properly. Sure, having a penis for the day would be kind of rad, but I’d be happy to go back to being all vaginaful the next day, too. It’s what I’m used to.

Sooooo… uhhhhh… Happy Wednesday!