It’s only 8:30am, and already I’m learning stuff… I’ve learned what a sinophile is.

I’ve also learned that you didn’t know that word either, and just had to go Google it.

So, I go to my mom’s place the other day, all decked out in my new little jacket from Gentle Fawn. My mom, somewhat known for her faltering mental filter, looks at it my newest acquisition, and then says to me, “Ooooh, beautiful jacket! …but it doesn’t do a thing for your kidneys

Wait, wait, wait. Why is kidneys spelled k-i-d-n-e-y-s and not k-i-d-n-i-e-s. Kidnies. A word that is a plural of a word that ends in ‘y’… isn’t it supposed to end in ‘ies’? Whatever. I am so glad that English is my first language, because I don’t think I’d ever be able to learn it otherwise. Stupid English grammar rules… making no sense and screwing everything up. Pffft. Jerk.

You know what makes me lose sleep at night? Wondering if the aliens that come down and snatch people away from earth to study us, take the people that they’re snatching to be representatives of the human race. Who are they snatching?! If they’re grabbing, like, nuclear physicists and military personnel, then maybe the aliens will think twice about invading the planet. But what if… what happens if they keep grabbing Republicans? We are SO screwed. The aliens will be all, like, ‘screw these guys – they’re a planet full of douches and extermination would be merciful!’ BZAP!! We’re gone. Why doesn’t this keep anyone else awake at night?

In high school, one of the biology teachers used to walk around the halls with a tarantula on his back. I learned to avoid Mr. Cloutier in the hallway anytime I saw him wearing the tell-tale white lab coat.

I don’t understand how something made from water and assorted grains could NOT be considered health food. Stupid lying beer.

Well, now that I’ve insulted the English language and beer, my day is pretty much over, isn’t it?

I’m going back to bed.

Happy Friday!