Here’s what I think the Big J ‘would do’…

He’d round up all the different versions of The Bible  and a 4-pack of highlighters, and set about to marking all the discrepancies, irrelevancies, and contradictions… then get all miffed and frustrated and toss it all aside before exclaiming, ” WTF –  I didn’t even WRITE this, why am I editing it?!”

Then, he’d grab some paper (not parchment, not stone, not tablet, not anything else but paper), and a Sharpie and write this: “Just be freaking NICE to everyone, ok? Do NOT make my dad come down here”… then he’d head to Kinko’s (where he has an account, obviously), and photocopy that piece of paper a few billion times, then ask Santa Claus to deliver a copy to households around the world.

Then, he’d call up Buddha and chat Tao for a bit before asking for his help with the Talmud and the Koran… He and Buddha would get a symposium together of all the Dead Gods, all the living ones, all the holy ones, all the fake ones, and all the gods that someone somewhere believes are better than your god… ALL THE GODS EVER, and they’d eat muffins, drink coffee and come to a consensus regarding all of us non-gods.

They’d be in a big, bright room with temperature control and an ever-revolving tray of sandwiches and bun-type things, and there would probably be a massive white board and a lot of markers… and an eraser. They’d probably start off with an ice-breaker exercise, but since they’re all gods, they’d all know everything anyway, so it would be pointless. Anyway, they’d have an agenda with clearly marked break times, and they would all turn their cell phones off in order to give this massive problem their full attention.

Jesus would be all, “like, we need to fix this shit. NOW”, and Huitzilopochtli would be all, “word”, and Jupiter would nod, point the finger gun at Thor and say, “right?!”, and Thor would be all, “totally”. Raven would agree with them all and say something profound like, “it’s been a long time coming”, and Allah would high five Raven, then look to Vishnu who is already shaking hands with Isis and nodding in agreement with everyone.

Horus and Cronos, (who were huddled over a piece of paper and writing furiously), would raise their hands and Jesus would call on them, “what up, gods? What’s on your mind? Whatcha’ workin’ on over there?” Odin would lean over to see what they were doing, and he’d relay it to his seatmate Gwydion who would bug his eyes out and say, “AWESOME!” before throwing a thumbs-up to Horus and Cronos. They would pass their paper forward.

Jehovah (who is seated in the front row), would walk it over to Ganesh, and the room would fall silent.

Ganesh would clear his throat, put on his reading glasses and in a perfect, loud voice read from the paper…

“STOP BEING ASSHOLES TO EACH OTHER! YOU’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, SO START ACTING LIKE ADULTS, AND START RESPECTING ONE ANOTHER, YOU RIDICULOUS NINNIES.”

A soft murmur would slowly build as all the gods solemnly agreed with the proclamation. Then… it would all slowly dawn on them that every single one of these hundreds of gods, and every single one of the thousands of religions and beliefs that they represent, all have some form of this proclamation in their spiritual writings, songs, dances, and words. And silence would fall on the room.

“Why do they ignore us?”, Kaawanu would ask.

“I have no freaking idea, dude”, Jesus would reply, “but they do”.

And a waitress would bring them all some more muffins, and a fresh pot of coffee, and the gods would break for lunch.

Why, people? Why do we use religion to hate one another? Why do we use that thing that’s supposed to be all about love, acceptance, tolerance, and understanding and make it about violence and judgement?

I don’t understand.

I’m pretty sure Jesus doesn’t either.

SMARTEN UP, YOU RIDICULOUS NINNIES!

Happy Monday… be nice to everyone.

xo

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