Even though I’m well past the age where I believe in Santa Claus (and, admittedly, this sort of sucks), I have decided to write him a letter nonetheless. Why should kids get all the fun of disguising their Christmas greed in a friendly little letter to a fat hermit? Sure they ask about Rudolph and Mrs. Claus, but do they really care? No. No, I don’t think they do. They should be ashamed of themselves for behaving in such a transparent, selfish way.

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Rudolph? Is Mrs. Claus going to go with you on Christmas night when you deliver presents? She’s so pretty. I have been a very good girl this year, and I hope that you’ve been able to overlook some of the small, innocent foibles that occurred around my general vicinity this year. I promise never to let the cat play with matches again. I have a few things on my list this year, and I really hope that you’ll be able to help me out by doing that whole magic-Santa thing, and giving me everything I’m asking for. I’d really appreciate it. You’re so handsome. So, here are some things that I want, ok? Thanks!

1) I would like to win the lotto so I could make an $800,000 donation to the Delta Hospice Society

2) I would like puppy mills to go away forever and ever and ever

3) I would like the current Republican candidates (aside from Huntsman) to go away forever and ever and ever

4) I would like the Canadian Prime Minister to explode

5) I would like to lose 10 lbs (it’s mostly cookies and champagne, but it’s gotta’ go)

6) I would like Wall St, big oil, cigarette manufacturers, animal testers, & bullies to get consciences

7) I would like higher learning to be more affordable, and text books to be more realistically priced, too

8.) I would like lots and lots and lots more good jobs to be available for everyone

9) I would like my own personal leprechaun and/or genie

10) I would like world peace (yes, I’m still asking for this one)

11) I would like all the world’s pedophiles to become arms dealers

12) I would like all the world’s arms dealers to explode

13) I would like to be brave enough to finish writing my book

14) I would like all those freaky religious fundies to become illiterate and incontinent

15) I would like dog farts to smell a lot better than they do

16) I would like air travel to be fun, affordable, and fair

17) I would like auto tune to explode

18) I would like extinction to go extinct

19) I would like shark fins to be carcinogenic, rhino horns be electrified, & no animal parts to be good for sexual dysfunction

20) Finally, I would like more kindness and less greed in the world (please see #’s 1-19)

Thanks Santa, I really appreciate your help with all of this. It means a lot to me, and a few million others, I am sure. I’ll make sure to leave out some extra nachos cookies and beer milk for you this year, and a whole bag of carrots for Rudolph and the other reindeer, too. I love you!

Happy holidays, Santa!