First, I think it’s important that I explain to you why I’m wearing maternity pants.

My friend was getting rid of some of her clothes and she asked me if I wanted to have a boo before she took them to the thrift store. Putting aside the fact that she’s 5 inches shorter than me, a singer in a super-sexy country band, and extremely Greek I was bound to find something that would work with my flawlessly boring wardrobe. I mean, I have jeans. Who wouldn’t be able to pair a sequined cowboy hat with jeans, right?

So, while rooting through the many, many bags of clothing that she gave me I came across a pair of black yoga pants. And since a girl can never have too many pairs of yoga pants (on this, The Cheerleader I Live With heartily agrees), I tossed them into the ‘maybe’ pile. After two days of heaving the ‘maybe’ pile off the bed and onto the floor, and off the floor onto the bed again (because I was too lazy to expend the energy in trying things on), I finally got around to a time when I was willing to cram myself into clothing that was really, really inappropriate for me.

When I got to the yoga pants I noticed that they were made out of this terrifically soft material, unlike any other pair of yoga pants I’ve ever seen. I put them on, noted their roominess, ok’d the way my butt looked in them, and then decided to wear them to the gym that night. You would think that the drawstrings on either side of the waistband would have tipped me off, or maybe the fact that there seemed to be an exorbitant amount of extra material around the waist, too… but I’ve never worn maternity pants before, and since I had never felt this type of material before, I just assumed that these were a new brand of awesome yoga pant.

One thing I did figure out (and rather quickly, I may add) is that these yoga pants did not like it when I did cardio. As they kept slipping off my hips, I tried tying the drawstrings tighter, but there was way too much material for the drawstrings to be effective. Finally, after having to stop skipping (again), The Cheerleader I Live With walked up to me and said, ‘why are you wearing maternity pants?’

You know that moment when something dawns on you, but you totally wish you had stayed ignorant? However, instead of admitting that I didn’t actually know they were maternity pants, I said ‘They’re really comfortable, and they fit really well when I put them on backwards’ (this is true, by the way. I have a large bum, which gives my hour-glass figure a ’40 minutes on the bottom, 20 minutes on the top’ kind of look). Satisfied, The Cheerleader I Live With wandered away to go lift manly-man weights, and I quickly grabbed a rogue copy of ‘What to Expect When you’re Expecting’ (I’m not kidding, there was a copy of this book in the gym – probably for women like me who accidentally wear maternity pants there. I’ll bet it happens a lot) and jumped onto a recline-bike to ponder why The Cheerleader I Live With could recognize maternity pants so easily.

The funny thing is, the friend who gave me the bags of clothes had just had a baby, and has never done yoga in her life, so you’d think I would have been able to connect the dots a little faster (or at all). And now that I think about it, I’ve never even seen her wear a pair of yoga pants. Whatever! I like these pants, so I’m keeping them. Suck it expectant moms who shop at thrift stores for maternity pants!

Anyway, I’m not pregnant. I just dress like I am. But I’ll only be doing that at home from now on, because no one needs to see maternity butt-crack on a non-pregnant lady as she’s skipping rope at the gym.

Happy Tuesday!