As I was cutting up a fresh loaf of bread on Sunday morning, I had a thought: ‘who would be the worst person to travel to Europe with?’ So, OF COURSE I had to bring it up with The Cheerleader I Live With

Me: I had a thought.

TCILW: I hate it when the day starts out like this…

Me: I think the worst person to travel to Europe with would be a deaf, recovering alcoholic vegan with a gluten allergy

TCILW: Yeah, I could see that. Oh! How about a celibate, deaf, recovering alcoholic vegan with a gluten allergy?

Me: Good one! Oooh… a celibate, deaf, recovering alcoholic vegan with a gluten allergy, and twin toddlers!

TCILW: Yikes! Ok, a deaf, celibate, recovering alcoholic vegan with a gluten allergy with ties to Al Queda.

Me: Daaaamn… how about a deaf, celibate, recovering alcoholic vegan, with a gluten allergy, ties to Al Queda and an ‘I Heart America’ backpack.

TCILW: Not cool man. Ok, well who would be the worst person to travel to Asia with?

Me: Hmm… a racist nun with the inability to internally process rice.

TCILW: Why a nun?

Me: There’s some weird shit that goes on in Asia, man. She’d be pretty offended.

TCILW: Well yeah, but that’s what would make me go the other way entirely. Like, someone with a sex addiction. Because if you’re boffing everything that moves while you’re in Asia, you’re going to be in trouble.

Me: Ok, so a germaphobic priest, then.

TCILW: Ooooh – SNAP! Ok, a germaphobic priest with a sex addiction and a sensitive stomach… gastro intestinal problems.

Me: A racist, germaphobic priest with a sex addiction, gastrointestinal problems and a rice allergy.

TCILW: A racist, germaphobic priest with a sex addiction, gastrointestinal problems, an allergy to rice and a gambling problem.

Me: Eiy-yi-yi! You win. Alright, alright… how about Antarctica? Who would be the worst person to travel to Antarctica with? I’m going to have to go with a Valley Girl

TCILW: Yeah, I was thinking more along the lines of someone equatorial, because they’d complain about it being cold all the time, and I’d hate to be with someone who did that. It’s Antarctica. Of course it’s cold! And the problem with a Valley Girl is that she might put out. ‘Oh you’re cold? Come into my sleeping bag and I’ll warm you up’… That’s redeeming feature.

Me: Ok, a pre-op transexual Valley Girl

TCILW: A menstruating pre-op transexual Valley Girl

Me: No, it would have to be a post-op transexual, because a pre-op one wouldn’t menstruate yet.

TCILW: A post-op one wouldn’t menstruate either – they don’t menstruate.

Me: And Valley Girls don’t go to Antarctica!

TCILW: Good point. So, a pre-op transexual Valley Girl. I think that’s all we’d need, really. Oooh, how about Africa?

Me: Some really fat guy from… where’s the most racist state in the US? *Googles*

TCILW: I would think like, Alabama or something. Are you actually looking it up?!

Me: Yep. Hey, you’re right! It’s Alabama!

TCILW: Sweet! Ok, an Obese Born-Again Evangelical from Alabama.

Me: An obese, Born-Again Evangelical missionary from Alabama… with a David Duke tattoo.

TCILW: How about a Daisy Duke tattoo?

Me: An obese, Born-Again Evangelical missionary from Alabama with a tattoo of David Duke wearing Daisy Dukes!

TCILW: Holy shit!

Me: I know, right?

…Happy Monday everyone, and enjoy that last visual.

xo

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