According to the Globe and Mail, the average cost for a Canadian wedding these days is $23,330 (with costs expected to be higher if you’re planning to wed in a large city like Toronto, Vancouver, Montreal, etc…)

Eff. That.

Seriously, there is no way The Cheerleader I Live With and I are going to be spending that type of coin on a party. Don’t get me wrong, we love our friends and family, but if they love us the same way, they’d kick our asses before they let us spend that much money on them. Or, I would hope so, anyway.

I don’t mind rolling spare change and collecting empties, but I’ll be damned if I have to pan for gold or squish coal into diamonds to pay for our wedding. I would also be opposed to one of those ‘Indecent Proposal’ type arrangements, but I think The Cheerleader I Live With might consider it (Ladies, please email me at nomoremountains@gmail.com with your availability, and a copy of  your last year’s income tax return). It’s a good thing we don’t live in the USA – I read that 1 in 5 couples there (in 2011) spent more that $30,000, while 1 in 10 spent more than $40,000! Are you people insane?! I’m assuming that these are all uber wealthy couples who surround themselves with people who judge them on the amount of money they spend on getting married. Twits. Our friends just want to get drunk on our dime and have a rousing Cornhole tournament.

Whoooo… and then there are those couples like Vanisha Mittal and Amit Bhatia who not only had a week-long wedding event, but rented out the freaking 17th century, Vaux le Vicomte for their 1000 guests to dine on over 100 different dishes, and  drink $1.5 million worth of wine. Their engagement party was also held during the multi-day affair, but that was only held at the shabby Chateau de Versailles, so whatever. (Pffft. Losers.) Their guests received 20-page invitations sent out in a sterling silver box which, when sold on the black market, would probably help ease the sting of having been forced to watch a reenactment of the couple’s courtship as part of the wedding festivities. Worst. Slideshow. EVER.

Thankfully Vanisha’s dad (billionaire Lakshmi Mittal) footed the bill, because the final tally was around, ohhhh, $78 million… and really, what couple just starting out can afford that? At least The Cheerleader I Live With and I have Wedding Pig, and he’ll be helping us out immensely. Who is Wedding Pig? Well, Wedding Pig is our wedding savings sentry – he’s adorable, see:

I bought Wedding Pig at the thrift store for five cents (he was actually ten cents, but the thrift store was having a 50% off sale that day), and whenever we get spare change, we toss it into Wedding Pig to help us save for The Big Day. There are rules to Wedding Pig, though… 1) no change less than a dollar goes in, 2) you must sing “Wedding Pig, Wedding Pig” to the tune of the Spiderman cartoon theme song every time you drop a coin in, and 3) if you sing the song WITHOUT putting money in, you get yelled at by the other person, and have to go find money to drop in Wedding Pig. We’re a strict household, but we make it work.

So, as is stands, The Cheerleader I Live With and I will NOT be renting private jets to fly our loved ones to Italy for the wedding. I know, I know – we’re cheap bastards. For us, it’ll be a simple back-yard soiree that, with the help of our good friend Wedding Pig, we’ll be able to afford. Look for your hand-made invitations in the mail sometime next year! And by hand-made I mean ‘newspaper clipped ransom-note-ish photocopies on Blockbuster Video letterhead’.

Happy Monday everyone!

xo

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