Yesterday, during a chat about the ice cream man, my friend Kezzy told me that when she was a little girl, her parents told her that the ice cream man only plays music when he’s out of ice cream. Now if that wasn’t bad enough, Kezzy, who is now in her mid-30s, believed this was actually true… until about a year ago.

That got me thinking about all the things that my mother told me when I was a dumb little kid, that I later found to be 100% stupid, crappy, I-hate-you-mom lies. LIES! Really, mom? Really? April Fool’s Day only lasts until noon? Funny how she could always seem to get a prank in before we went to school, but since it was over at noon, we had no recourse for retaliation when we got home at 3:30! How very convenient, MOTHER.

And you know what? I’m really glad I went to school, because that’s where I learned that your bum will NOT fall off if you untie your belly button. For shame mother – and you were a NURSE! Of course we’d believe you!

Oh! OH! You know what was really awesome? The day I found out that the bruises on apples were NOT “the brown sugar in the apple coming through”. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was when I proudly told someone about that delicious brown sugar, only to have them laugh in my face? I was 28 years old!!

And the… oh I almost don’t even want to admit this one, but as long as we’re talking about MY LYING MOTHER, I guess I have to… long-time readers of my blog will know this story already, but *sigh*… when I was little, I asked my mom why I had so many moles and ‘beauty marks’ on my skin. She said… (oh god), she said it was because when I was born, I came out of her BUTT.

My mom was also a very good liar when it came to french fries. For some reason, it never seemed to fail that as soon as we got our french fries at McDonald’s, SOMETHING would happen behind us and we’d just HAVE to turn around and look. Odd though… when we turned around, our mom wasn’t nearly as excited about it as she was a few seconds ago, and she was frantically chewing something while giggling. Stealing french friend from your children?! Mother, that is despicable. It’s like stealing candy… from a… whatever! STOP STEALING MY FRIES!

However… she always did remember to tell the Tooth Fairy when I had lost a tooth. And she always seemed to know the super secret hiding places that the Easter Bunny had. And I’ll admit, it was pretty awesome to get Christmas and birthday gifts from the dog. It took me a long time to realize that dogs don’t have thumbs, and therefore aren’t able to carry stuff to the cash register and count out change.

So maybe some lies were ok. But I’ll tell you one thing: being unemployed on April Fool’s Day is AWESOME. I’ve been able to prank my mean ol’ mom for two years now, and I love it! Hah! Take THAT, mom!

I love you, mom.

Happy Tuesday, all… don’t forget to hug YOUR lying mother today.

xo

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