I want to start off by admitting to you all that this morning… I pet a slug. I did it out of compassion because I stepped on it first. I felt pretty guilty, so I just sort of bent down, apologized and gave little Sluggy a quick pat. He squooshed himself inwards, so I’m really hoping that meant that he was so appreciative of my sincere affection that he was going to go into his house and get me a thank you card. Wait. Slugs don’t have houses – well, I’m sure they DO, but they don’t carry them on their backs… I’m thinking about snails, aren’t I? Hmmm… I guess that means that the squooshing slug was probably hurt and rolling himself into a ball to die after my fat foot trod on his innocent guts.

Crap.

Maybe I should go back and check on him. Her? How do you tell if a slug is male or female anyway? Even if I could get over the skeevy idea of picking up a slug and turning it upside-down to gander at its bits, I wouldn’t even know what to look for. It’s not like a male slug has the contraption that like, a male dog would have. Oh god, not SIZE wise! You people are sick. What I’m trying to say is that a male slug with teeny tiny (no offense to slugs) dog-like tickle tackle would have a mighty hard time dragging himself along the ground. Although… that would explain why they move so slow. Huh. Never thought of that before.

Great. Now I have to go pick up a slug. Or I guess I could make my life easier (and less icky) if I just looked up slug sex on the internet, eh? Ok, hold on…

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!! Do NOT look up slug sex on the internet people! Aaaaagh… I feel totally ill now. Oh god, that is just so gross. So, SO gross… I should have just gone outside and picked one up. Ew. Just… ew.

On the up-side, I did learn something today – slugs lay eggs. I had no idea. Well, to be fair, I can’t say that I’ve ever spent any time thinking about slug reproduction, so who can blame me for not knowing? I’m sure Slugologists would think me rather ignorant, but who cares what they think? They’re Slugologists for god’s sake – no one listens to what they have to say, anyway. Seriously, worst dinner guests EVER. Think about it, “Did you know that slug slime…” …aaaand there goes my appetite.

I’d never serve pudding at a dinner party that I invited a Slugologist to.

Or mung bean noodles.

I don’t even know any slugologists, anyway. I also don’t know how to cook with mung bean noodles, so really I’m worrying for nothing. Rest assured, if you ever come over to our place for dinner, you won’t be subjected to having to hear scientific prose about slugs. You’ll probably also get served pudding. Because pudding is awesome.

Happy Monday, everybody!

xo

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