Look. After my commute this morning, I have to be honest about something. In fact… Ok… I’m just… I’m just going to come out and say what we’re all thinking:

*sigh*… guys? Listen, when you drive like a douchebag, we all know that you’re doing it to hide the shame you feel about your tiny, tiny penis. There. It’s out there now, so why don’t we all just sit with that for a few moments, and we’ll have a discussion, ok?

Here’s the truth about how other drivers (I’ll be honest, especially women drivers) think about you, and it’s important that you know this: Are you speeding like a maniac? We all know that you have a tiny penis. Screeching tires off the line at a red light? Tiny penis. Ripping through a red light? Tiiiiiiny penis. Tossing garbage out your window? Tiny penis. Road raging? TINY PENIS. Changing lanes and swerving through traffic haphazardly in a bass-thumping, tinted-windowed, lowered Honda Civic? Teeeeeny, tiny penis.

Look, don’t be upset, it’s just the way it is. I mean, obviously it’s not ALL of you, but there are certainly some guys who…well, let’s just say that they don’t have to worry about their pants being too snug when they get behind the wheel. Those guys won’t always be stuck in the ‘Tiny Penis’ category, however, and we won’t always laugh at them. But it’s their choice, really. This is not an irredeemable quality – they can fix this! Society will be more than happy to put them in the ‘Average-to-Above-Average Sized Penis’ category, no problem! In fact, (and telling you this secret could totally get my Woman Card revoked), the size of your penis rises in direct proportion to how decent of a driver you are. It’s totally true. All scientific and crap, I swear.

Say you stop at a crosswalk for someone to cross. Add half an inch. Let someone merge, as per correct merging procedure? Add another half inch. Give the courtesy wave after someone let you merge in front of them, as per correct merging procedure? Add an inch, baby. Slow down and come to a stop to let a squirrel/family of ducks/two fat raccoons/someone’s cat cross a rural road instead of speeding up in an attempt to swerve around and/or scare them off the road? Add at least two full inches, hot stuff! See? easy-peasy!

Let me be clear about something: for the most part, your fellow drivers don’t give a second thought to your penis. It’s only when you douche it up that we laugh at you. When women drive poorly, we know we get the passe “bitch” thrown our way, or the ever-lame, “typical woman driver” accompanied by snort aND eye roll. That’s common knowledge, and not in the least bit subtle. There’s no secret there. (And don’t get me wrong, there are some seriously twatty woman drivers out there!) But I thought it was important that you all knew the truth today. No more hiding, no more letting you think that you get away with your douchebaggery free of consequence. If you tailgate someone, then speed by them while laying on the horn and sticking your middle finger out the window as you pass, that person you passed isn’t intimidated or regretting their actions; they’re thinking about the fact that if you dropped that blazing hot Starbucks coffee in your lap, it probably wouldn’t hurt you much.

So guys, don’t drive douchey. Just keep being your bad-ass, courteous self, and keep on parallell parking like the boss that you are. Double-check those side mirrors for cyclists before opening your door, and then swing your gorgeous self and that fat ol’ wang out onto the street, as you make your way into Mopar, or Future Shop, or wherever it is that real men shop. You sexy beast, you… *rawr!* 

Happy Friday everyone!